Heroine

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I fucking hate us. I love you and you’re never going to do anything about it and I know that. So why do you come back? Why do I let you here? I’m tired of the crying, tired of the wondering where you are…. What you’re doing…. If any girls are yours… If we will ever fucking meet…. All these things go thru my head. Knowing I’m better off without you, but wanting you all at the same time. My throat is knots right now…. It hurts, like acid thrown onto you. You ARE my drug. The drug I won’t ever give up. I need your kiss, your love, and your compassion. I know you care… But do I see it all the time? No. Do I wonder if you have others? Yes, all the time. You’re my heroine.

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All of this was a joke to you, wasn’t it? You knew I would cry, and you were right. Yes, I love you. But why? Because I’m stupid. I go to the one that has hurt me the most and let him love me slowly, until we crash into a cement wall. Then it happens all over again, the process never seems to end. We don’t even fight. We have our fake fights, but thats it. You’re the only guy who can break me like this and I can’t shake it. I can’t shake you and I can’t shake the thought of us being together one day. I know you’re not healthy for me, but you’re like my drug. Pulling me up, then tearing me down. Down until I can’t stand anymore, down until I try to give you the last straw and then you come back wanting to be here again. Why do you do this? Why do you want to be here? You know you’re better off without me. Or do you think I am your savior? Jokes on both of us I guess.

2/15/16

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I hate that I say I won’t talk to you for a month then think about it constantly and wonder how you are. I NEED to put you in time out… By not talking to you for a month but you’re like a sweet little baby that looks at me and goes “I miss you” or “I love you” or “I fucked up, I’m sorry”. You’re the calm after the storm and the storm before the calm. I hate that you know all the correct buttons to press to piss me off; yet you know all of them to make it better. I hate you. But I can’t hate you. You were my best friend, and I loved you. And I think it was mutual. I was never quite sure. You played me up the wall yet I still let you in. I hate myself for doing it. Yet I love myself for the frickin little kid I let into my life because he makes me smile and laugh and makes me feel cared about. “It becomes so much easier to part with someone you love, when you’ve convinced that both parties never loved each other in the first place.”

30 day writing challenge day three: write 15 step how to ______

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How to be a Swiftie in 15 Steps:

1. Buy all of her music

2. Learn all of her songs

3. Know a lot of information about her

4. Make a fan account

5. Store over 12 pictures of her doing ANYTHING on your phone/computer/electronic device

5. Make edits

6. Make vines

7. Watch everything she is on or in

8. Go to her shows

9. Buy her merch

10. Pretty much devote your life to her

11. Obsess about her cats

12. Obsess about her

13. Make a tumblr fan page

14. Reblog everything Taylor/her friends/her relationship related

15. Call yourself a Swiftie

30 day challenge day two: write something inspired by the color of the walls of the room you’re currently in

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Vines are coming down around me
Taking me by the waist and up into the crevices of the walls

As I try to shake free, I find myself even more tangled into the big mess of shrubbery

My demons start coming out of the long dark green vines that I am now engulfed in

Demons that I have tried to put away and drown

As they look at me in the eyes, I can see that they only want to kill me

On the other side of the wall I hear laughter, love, and beautiful music

Telling myself I need to get out of the vines and find my happiness again

I try to rip apart the vines with my bare hands, but I am too weak

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a shadow

The shadow keeps getting bigger and bigger and I know I need to get out of there fast

I try one more time to rip the vines, but this time I dig my heels into the wall and use my nails to break free

Falling to the ground I see that there is no way out of this dark room

The dark room that is now closing in on me

Closing in too tight to even breathe or live…

30 day challenge: put your music on shuffle, write today’s challenge based on the first song that plays and the last line of the very next song that plays

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“Ohhh, ohhh, oh!!”Jemma yelled while she was breaking it down on the dance floor. The night was still young, and she was at Club Honor hanging out with friends. The lights were blaring in her eyes and the music was as loud as a bomb going right off in front of you. As the song changes, more people begin to pile into the pit of clubbers, pushing and shoving, grinding and swaying as the best gets heavier and heavier. Jenna sees her ex James from a far and sees him walk up to her, freaking out, she runs to the bathroom… Not knowing what she will run into. As she goes into the bathroom, she sees her best friend doing a line of Coke on the bathroom floor. As soon as Kyra knew that Jemma was standing over her watching her take the line, her face went white as a ghost. Kyra looked at her best friend, and tried to explain what was going on. As Kyra was trying to make excuses as to why she was doing the line, Camila came in and told Jemma that James was out there wanting to speak to her. Knowing James was the one who beat her, Jemma didn’t want to go alone, so she said “whatever” to Kyra and Camila and asked them to go with her. The girls started to walk out and James came up, wanting to only talk to his ex, alone. She agreed, only because they were at a club with many others…. He ended up trying to pressure her into going home with him, but Jemma stood her ground and said “I think that I might stay”. 

The fight

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Love isn’t supposed to be one sided, love is supposed to be  mutualA month in and nothing has changed, keeping secrets and being in denial

Maybe chasing the tears with alcohol is what needs to happen

Deep down knowing there isn’t anything that could fix what love holds

What he holds, feels, and shows; knowing where he stands

Not knowing where she is anymore, trying to keep what she knows is getting hard

Seeing all the little flirtatious dialects that are being said

Not knowing if they are rising or falling

Never finding out what is really in their minds, afraid to talk

But not afraid to fight

Open Letter to my Step-dad

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I know we may not get a long sometimes, and I may have not liked you when I was younger… But as I got older I realized being a step parent is a choice. You didn’t bring me into this world, but you came into mine willingly.

A lot of kids have step parents but not a lot of kids can say that their step-parent made an impact on their lives. I am lucky enough to say I have that in my life. No, you may not be my best friend. No, awe may not get along all the time… But I am very lucky to have you in my life. 

You were with me from second grade till graduation; and continue to be by my side through my twenties. Teaching me how to drive, ride a bicycle, tie my shoes properly, and many other things along the way. I may not remember everything you taught me, and that’s okay. 

Yes, my real father may have left me before I was born. But a true father came into my life when I was seven years old. One that would never leave my side, one that would teach me how to do many things, and one who would help me through anything I was going through.

Looking back, I now realize you were and still are a blessing in disguise and I thank you for being my blessing. 

(This will be ongoing as I think of more to say)